Tuesday, August 10, 2010

the summer of my discontent

this has by far been the worst summer of my life. unemployed, broke, and my body doesn't seem to want to drink anymore. i really havn't done shit this summer. i mean, i really have done nothing. i havn't even had a decent night out. i'm too stressed. i know, that sounds funny, and some would say i need a night out, but being anti social as i am, i just don't really want to. it's definately depressing. the early part of the 2000's was awesome. one party after another. things...well, they seem to have slowed down. i'm older, perhaps a bit wiser. people who were my best friends 10 years ago are now vanished from my life. people who were in grammer school when i graduated are now my friends. life likes to turn upside down and sideways. i've always been a relative loner. in general, i don't really like people; they have done me wrong at every turn. i don't trust people. not even myself. we all have a darkness inside of us, but at least im the type to stab one in the front. during my 29 years on this plane i have been betrayed and sold out, robbed, taken advantage of, threatend - my life and that of my family - i have seen this darkness, first hand. i attribute the little bit of dicipline i have to my two short years in the army. i certainly see that lack of dicipline in my peers. a lot of people just don't know how to deal with certain situations. myself included. i never said i was capable of doing everything. some people are much better than me at many things, but i think i have tried a lot... experience is everything. however, it's gotten to the point where my experience doesn't really mean that much. i need to find a new direction. i am very discontented right now. everything is in piss poor shape. my life is in an upheaval, and i hope for the dust to soon settle so i can try to pick up the pieces and move on. i really feel stuck right now. held back. trapped. some of the folk around me seem to excell, others seem to be in the same, sinking boat. with great white sharks and poisonous jellyfish in the water around us. times seem desperate indeed. i feel we are on the brink of a true revolution. the head-chopping-off kind of revolution. streets flowing with the blood of america, neighbor against neighbor and perhaps, if we are lucky, a zombie apocalypse looms also around the corner. because at least then things would make sense. i believe, as a whole, humanity has become far too complacent. look at me... i sit around playing videogames all day. smoking pot. and even though i'm being crushed by the pressure of being broke and bored off my Polish ass, the time passes. i can't believe how torrid this summer has been. i havn't been to any keggers, no vacation, no beach, no pools even, no nothing. i havn't even gotten properly drunk since june.  and the worst part is i don't seem to care. apathy is death, but it's easier than using all my energy on concern.

thank you for your time,

fallen jedi

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